The Bourne Ultimatum

What I expected from this movie - At least one really cool fist fight scene, a lot of action (specifically defined by the question 'Where the hell is Bourne?!'), and very little to no story that was any different then the Bourne Supremacy.

What I got from this movie...exactly that.

Dont get me wrong, I was entertained, but for some reason I just didnt care about what happened to Jason Bourne anymore. Maybe it was me, or maybe it was the movie, its hard to say.

I let out a sigh of relief when they managed to avoid the love story between him and Nicky Parsons for at least one more movie, but I winced in pain at the rooftop confrontation scene between Bourne and the Asset (but I can't wait for the spin-off movies starring Edgar Ramirez as he searches for his past - note sarcasm).

Does what Bourne finds out about his past make the movie any more exciting? No. Do we even find out everything? Of course not.

Im sure the fourth movie will tell us all about how Bourne volunteered for this project because of one reason - Nicky Parsons...

The Simpsons

So what is there to say about a movie that I have been waiting for for 10 years or more, that not only met my expectations, but exceeded them? Where can I go from there?

I guess my biggest fear was the movie being a 'longer episode', but this was certainly not the case. This movie had all the charm and pizzazz of the Simpsons I have come to love, but with a big screen summer blockbuster attitude. The animation, the music, the story, it was all pure movie material. I should have known Matt Groening would not have let me down.

This movie had everything whether you have been watching the Simpsons for the last 18 years or not. On top of that it contained things like a Stampy cameo, Nelson's inability to resist laughing at someone's misfortune, and - most noteably - the final jumping of Springfield Gorge to give us Simpson's fanatics our little inside humor (despite most of it being from within the first 5-10 seasons).

The Simpsons is going as strong as ever and its great to see the Movie is right there in the front of the pack. I may be biased, but I dare you to go to this movie and not have a great time.

It may not be the best movie ever, but it's certainly one of the best this year, and one of the most consistent comedies I have seen in a long time. It is definitely the best Simpson's Movie...

The best Simpson's Movie so far...

The Meaning of Life...

So the time has come. To pack my bags and journey to Seattle for what will be the biggest moment of my life so far. Sure I've had little brothers, and little sisters born, nieces, and a nephew. I've fallen in and out of love, and yes I've even seen a bear in real life. But all is moot when it comes to the release of the Simpsons feature film coming to theatres next weekend.

All of my friends and I (the only ones missing will be George and Kearney - cause Dwight is going to come - right Dwight?!) are meeting in Seattle for this glorious day as I mentioned above. Seattle is the current habitat of Sparky, and he was unable to get off of work that weekend, so we all planned accordingly.

I have already claimed a seat next to Neil, which will ensure to increase the hilarity of the movie by at least 10% with his giddy laughter. I have been quoted as saying 'when Neil laughs, the world laughs with him'.

So why is it such a big deal? Because the Simpsons has shaped our lives and is responsible for our friendship (particularly Neil and myself). I remember the day Neil went off to college in Baltimore and the only thing he left behind was his collection of nine VHS tapes full of Simpsons episodes...Which I used to pass the time since all of my friends had gone off to school and I was still living with my parents attending community college. It was then that I continued and catalogued the collection (which is now twenty-five tapes and includes futurama episodes) until the DVDs started being officially released.

More recently than that, Neil was on his first tour in Iraq, and to help him forget that insurgents were trying to kill him, I (with the help of one of my co-workers, Nancy) was able to burn new episodes onto DVDs and mail them so he could watch them in his tank (or so I assume). It was the only thing better then recieving large quantities of Pringles.

So not only has the Simpsons been a huge part of my life, but it has probably been the most pinnacle part, considering my entire life's education really comes from those twenty-two glorious minutes of entertainment. I have had entire conversations using only quotes from the show, I have trampled many opponents in Simpsons trivia games and now thanks to 7-Eleven's brilliant promotional scheming, I can enjoy Squishees, Krusty-O's and Buzz Cola.

So for me, this marks the end all - be all of existence. I don't know whats going to happen after I see the movie, other then the fact that I will go see it again and again and again...

Transformers

More then meets the eye?

Well, I'm not exactly a Transformers expert, and really I wouldn't even consider myself to be a Transformer LOVER persay - more of just a fan...its Nostalgia at best. Just like this movie is entertaining AT BEST...

The effects and action certainly do not make up for the lack of character development and numerous cheesy moments - and whats the deal with the Chevy commercial popping out in the middle of the movie. I just can't wait to go out and buy a new Camaro, I mean Mustang...Oh wait...

If Shia Lebouf didn't remind me so much of my brother Bob at moments I would have been cheering for the Decepticons. Not even John Torturro could make you care about a character in this movie.

My biggest complaint is when movies create these computer generated characters and make them all cartoony personality wise. This wasn't that present in this movie, except with the miniature decepticons - that guy was annoying.

But its all good. I mean think about it...did I expect it to be the best movie ever? Of course not, but it certainly had potential. I wouldn't put it in the Spiderman 3 category, but I certainly wouldn't go see it again. You know - its got a Pirates of the Carribean 3 'lets get married on the deck during a battle' feel to it. Its just one of those movies that had just a couple cool moments, and the rest of the time, you were waiting for another cool moment to appear (it rarely ever did), and you often found yourself wincing in pain at the amount of cheesy moments in between. Even the obvious build-up for the sequel was TOO obvious.

On that note - spend your money on 'Live Free Or Die Hard': Its not exactly the most well written movie either, but at least its fucking awesome.

Spiderman 3 - The Disappointment...

(BEWARE OF SPOILERS)

I'm not sure if thats the official title, but it should be.

This movie is probably going to be the most disappointing of the year, although I'm sure 'Transformers' is still in the running. Although Micheal Bay did direct it, so I'm sure there will be more explosions.

Comic book accuracy aside, Spidey 3 was full of tacked on bullshit, even more then the wonderfully boring love story between Peter and the apparently anorexic Mary Jane. Seriously Kirsten Dunst resembles a recovering heroine addict in this movie.

This movie tries to develop too many new characters, two of which turn out to be main villians, and just force too much stuff into one movie. I think that was the biggest problem. They tried to force too much into the two and a half hour timeslot, and it really led to the movie being dry and ridiculously cheesy.

The Sandman story was probably the worst part, besides the Green Goblin joining the side of good (but one created the other problem). The Sandman story was added on for two reasons, to give Parker a reason to get angry, and the other so Venom would have a teammate which would ultimately lead to the Green Goblin and Spidey teaming up. Can you say LAME? They went so far as to go back and change how Uncle Ben died. I thought this was just poor writing.

The Venom story was also pretty tacked on. I mean its hard to not get excited about Venom. While they did a decent job with him, I was hoping for something much more badass. I don't know, I just wasn't impressed. Venom is one of the best villian/vigilante characters in comic book history...I dont know if it was 'Eric Foreman's' sarcastic wit, but there was just something about him that I just couldn't get into.

Dont even get me started on Harry Osbourne, and the new Green Goblin. I don't want to spoil too much, but this part of the story is the ultimate downfall of the movie...

I know comic books aren't known for their dialogue or anything, but this movie was even more bland then a frame by frame reading of still drawings. It was poorly written, inaccurate (for the nerds out there who care), and just plain cheesy. And like I said, they tried to do too much. This could have easily been broken into at least 2 movies...and the Sandman character should never have existed (at least not with this existing back story)...but I guess even Loyle from 'Wings' needs a job these days.

Bad Movies Volume 1

Bad Movie You Shouldn't See:

Delta Farce, Starring Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall.

Due out: May 11, 2007

I had to see this preview the other night when I went to see 'Blades of Glory', and this looks like it could potentially be the worst movie ever made.

We've got three obvious rednecks (or blue collar guys - thanks to brilliant casting), who get 'mistaken' as army reservists, and shipped off to Iraq. As if that's not bad enough, they then get dumped in Mexico, because for some reason their plane dumps a Humvee that they are sleeping in over mexico, along with an apparently large amount of weapons and ammunition.

Of course, the real genius comes when they think they are in Iraq...get it? Yeah.

So we got a movie where a few stupid rednecks invade Mexico and hilarious hijinx ensue, and I use the term hilarious very very loosely. Not only is this movie not worth seeing, but it should have never ever been made. Just take a survey of who would actually enjoy this movie and spend the money throwing a monster truck rally where Larry the Cable Guy Comes out and says 'Get 'er Done!' somewhere in the middle. Then the rest of us will take Bill Engvall and the skinny dude from 'Road Trip' and execute them, to teach everyone not to even talk of making a movie like this ever again.

The only thing remotely cool about this movie is the brilliant casting of Danny Trejo - the ultimate actor no one has ever heard of.

Bad Movie You Should See:

Live Free Or Die Hard, Starring Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant

Due out: July 4, 2007

Who knew the John McClane saga wasnt over?

This time the terrorists are bigger, as are the explosions and even Kevin Smith makes an appearance.

I caught this preview thanks to the amazing technology of Youtube, and there is actually a scene where John McClane uses a highspeed car crash into a tollbooth to catapult the car in order to take out a helicopter. Yippee-Kay-Yay Motherfucker.

This movie is going to kickass. However if Bonnie Bedelia shows up, I might just change my mind.

iDisney...

iTunes has finally made its way into the Movie business. Obviously we all saw it coming, and personally I've been awaiting it.

Personally I am no DVD buying buff, and its very rare that I actually do buy a movie. TV shows are another story. I buy lots of those, so I was thrilled when I could just make a couple clicks and get my hands on the Office, Scrubs, and Lost, three of my favorite currently running television shows. And now I can do the same with Movies.

Of course, it will be awhile before the available library opens up, but I was doing a little browsing today, and even found 'The Great Mouse Detective' - which is (as some may recall) on my top ten Disney movie's list, because of its greatness (hence the name).

It seems only Disney has jumped on the bandwagon so far, but I am sure many will follow suit, depending on its popularity among the consumer world. Of course not even all the television networks have jumped on the TV bandwagon, so will I eventually be able to get all movies on iTunes? I hope so, but it could be a while.

I for one am all for this digital media age. Sure its a pain in the ass to hook my computer up to my television for proper viewing pleasure, but there are ways around that which I haven't really looked into as of yet. Not too mention the days of bookshelves full of DVDs and CDs are over. Which is a huge advantage for someone like myself who has a tendency to move every year or so.

I am aware that stuff like this has been available through 'illegal' torrent sites for a long time, but I've never been much of an advocate for these (plus you never know what you are gonna get). I am all about file sharing with your friends and whatnot, but for some reason the whole torrent thing is a turn off to me. Ive gotten a few things here and there from friends that were from torrent sites, and the quality hasnt been superb all the time. And of course there are other times where Ive gotten things from friends that I could never get anywhere else (like the complete Simpsons Series Seasons 1-17 - Thanks Nate).

So in conclusion there will be no more waiting for the next day for me to get new release albums, movies, or the TV shows I missed the night before. Because at midnight I can start downloading them from Itunes, plus I have TiVo. God Bless iAmerica.

Some Good News About Star Wars

Tomorrow they are releasing the original three Star Wars movies (episodes IV, V, and VI) in a limited edition two disc DVD collection that will fortunately contain the original cuts. This is such great news for us real Star Wars fans.

It turns out I will be able to watch this trilogy I so love without having to see Greedo shoot first, or the cartoon alien dance seen. I can finally watch Luke blossom from a power converter nerd, to a Jedi Master, without having to worry about seeing Hayden Christiansen in the final moments. I mean sure the Death Star explosion wont be as eventful, but at least I don't have to see Han Solo walk over Jabba's tail...

Finally I can go on with my life ignoring the existence of episodes I, II, and III, which were quite possibly the worst three movies ever made. Its a good thing they don't exist.

I Just Have to Say One Thing.

'I've had it with these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane!!!'

Snakes on a Plane was all that and so much more. I don't want to ruin anything for all those people who can't resist spoilers. But it is by far the greatest movie ever made. Go see it now, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

Re-Snooze...

I decided to delete 'My Reviews' Blog since not only does nobody ever read it, but I never really update it. However, in light of the fact that I am deleting it, I decided to post my 'Superman Returns' review right here, because I think it is funny.

Superman Returns:

Well for starters, I never expected much considering all the other Superman movies were incredibly cheesy and nothing short of ridiculous. And this one is certainly no exception. The acting starts off incredibly rocky and the ridiculous situations immediately present themselves. Luckily for Lois Lane and the rest of metropolis, catastrophies and whatnot have managed to hold off five years until the exact day Superman returns. Phew! (**Consequently the same day Clark Kent returns**)

Then there is the savior references. Jesus Christ! Literally. I mean we all know superman is there to give us hope and blah blah blah, fight for truth, justice and the american way, but the scene where Superman goes up to the 'heavens' and listens to everyones cries for help, and then chooses what he feels are the most important ones, almost made me lose my popcorn. And I havent even had popcorn since I saw 'Nacho Libre' a week and a half ago.

I could go on and on about this movie and how much it sucked. How come in Superman I, Luther can put a chain around Superman's neck with a piece of Kryptonite on it and he can barely stand, but in Superman returns, he can throw an entire island made of kryptonite into space, while a shard of Kryptonite is lodged in his back? Explain that one to me. Of course that takes us back to the savior reference cause he found the strength to sacrifice himself for us, which is why he began falling to the earth in the form of a somewhat familiar religious icon...the crucifix.

And the love story? Let me put it to you this way...It was as if George Lucas teamed up with those two idiots that wrote the Matrix and then they all teamed up with C.S. Lewis and they came up with this movie. And then Peter Jackson directed the last half hour. I half expected Samwise to come running in the hospital room to embrace Superman and express his asexual hobbit love.

One good thing about the movie. The effects were cool at times. I didnt feel like I was watching a video game during a lot of the flying and action. I expected most of those scenes to resemble the matrix scenes where Neo turns into the Neo from the Matrix official video game.

Either way, I had to see this movie, cause its Superman. I had to sit through the whole thing, cause its Superman. But not even Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey can save the movie, and everyone else's horrible performances just overshadow their horrible performances. Basically I only learned two things from this movie. No amount of protected sex can stop Superman's sperm, and Spiderman III is going to be awesome (it appears they did it right).

Oh and what was up with the Gotham City reference? I mean I know its all DC comics, but they can't do that. And if they do, they should have at least had Batman show up with the Batwing while Luther was kicking Supermans ass. Then Batman should have emerged and said one sentence "You guys mind telling me what you're doing to my blue tight wearing friend", and then proceded to kick everyone's ass cause Kryptonite ain't got nothing on him.

Animation Proclamation

I got my animated movie fix today with the anticipated viewing of 'Monster House'. For those of you who know me, I am a huge fan of animated movies, and combine that with the Zemekis, Spielberg combination, who are best known for their work together on 'Back to the Future', and you've got one happy Nick.

I haven't seen an animated movie in the theatres in a while. Since 'Wallace and Gromit' actually. There are a lot I wanted to see, but never got around to it. Like 'Over the Hedge', 'Hoodwinked', and 'Cars' even. I can honestly say 'Cars' doesnt look to thrilling, but Pixar has never failed to satisfy me.

And its that time of the year where the animated movies start piling up to. 'Open Season' and 'The Barnyard' are coming up, and the list will just keep going on.

I don't know what the point of this post was other to express my love for animated movies, and to say that 'Monster House' was good. It wasnt your average 'the house is alive...ooo' scary story. There was a hint of originality, despite the obvious 'Goonies' character influences. Its a fun filled adventure for the whole family!!!

And you get to see the preview for 'Night at the Museum' which looks great. Ben Stiller you've done it again.

The Typecast Sense Sign thats Unbreakable...

...in the village? (**Spoilers**)

What happens when you make a great movie with an amazing twist at the end of the story that no one ever expected?

Apparently you are expected to do the same over and over again. Much like M. Night Shyamalan.

I went to see 'Lady in the Water' today and I was pleased. Judging from other peoples reactions, the feeling was not mutual. I heard numerous comments that sounded a lot like this, 'Where is the twist?'. As the end credits rolled, everyone was confused as to why M. Night didnt make Paul Giamatti 'dead the whole time', instead of enjoying the beautiful story he put on the screen for us.

I wasn't completely satisfied with the movie, but I did love the story, and despite what most people would say there are a few 'twists' throughout the end of the movie that were very important for the overall message of the movie.

So what I'm trying to say is that M. Night is a great story teller, and at the same time he gets in some good burns on film critics, and does quite a bit of acting himself. He combines fairy tale with realism to create a beautiful story about change and about bringing people together. I recommend seeing it.

I realize this should probably be in 'my reviews' blog, but oh well.

The Life of Sam Rockwell...

Most everyone knows him as the brilliant con-man who got the best of the obsessive compulsive Nicolas Cage in "Matchstick Men"...Or perhaps, for those of us who saw this brilliant film, you know him as the quite mentally diseased Chuck Barris from "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Most recently he played that annoying two headed guy Zaphod from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

But I bet you didnt know that before he became a more serious actor, he was scared straight by Wayne Gretzky on steroids...who is of course better known as Casey Jones. When Casey and Danny were saving Splinter from the clutches of the Shredder, Sam was there, with the rest of the thugs, backing Master Tatsu himself.

After Master Tatsu was "driven" away by Casey himself, Sam was the one who wanted to stand up to Casey and teach him a lesson for fuckin with his "Father's" right-hand man. And I quote...

"We have a loyalty to the Shredder...we're a family."

So you see, Sam Rockwell wasnt always a renowned hollywood actor. He used to be a punk kid trying to work his way up in the footclan, who was scared straight by a washed-up hockey player with a golf club. It was a matter of minutes before he pointed the cops to the footclan's hideout and began his pursuit of an acting career. And look at him now.

I dont know what to do in this situation...Thank Casey Jones, or slap Sam Rockwell in the face and tell him what a pussy he is. I mean to be scared straight by Michealangelo, Donatello, Leonardo or Raphael would be one thing...but being scared straight by the man who fell for the "Ugly April" is worse then being talked into joining the good side by the Giant Rat version of Yoda...Danny!!!

No Direction Home...

I recently finished watching this documentary about the one and only Robert Zimmerman...Who is better known as Bob Dylan. Not only was this an extremely well done documentary (Martin Scorsese Directed), but it also made me think Dylan was that much cooler.

The entire music scene was completely different back then. There was so much more freedom and people always getting together and just playing and singing. Especially in the Folk scene. It was amazing to see. Stuff like that doesnt happen anymore...And a lot of the Musicians were out there to change the world, or do there part. Which we all know isnt very common place anymore. I dont remember who said it in the Movie, but it was some painter guy who was Dylans friend...and he talked about how art wasnt financially driven back then. People were rated by whether or not they had something to say.

Which was the ironic part about Dylan. Dylan had a lot to say as a musician, and even as a writer...I mean the stuff just poured out of him. But the world saw this as him having a lot to say about the world, and politics and whatnot. He became known as this topical songwriter. But in my opinion, alls he wanted to be was an entertainer, and you could tell how much he hated being labelled as otherwise.

Its like when he recieved some sort of Freedom award...Im not exactly sure what it was Id have to go back and check the movie sometime...But anyways, upon recieving the award his speech involved him telling the crowd that he was no political thinker, he was young, he liked being young, and politicians were old. It was a huge kick in the ass to the award, and the people who gave it to him. Which I thought was great. And he was constantly fucking with interviewers and the media and everything. He refused to be their dancing bear. There was one scene where a photographer was asking Bob to "suck on his glasses" for a photo...Bob just looked confused and was like "no...here you want to suck on my glasses?". I mean the guy was great. He did whatever he wanted in the studio, in front of the media, and on stage...he was a genius.

Like when he brought out the blues band to back him at the Newport folk festival and people booed him. It was amazing to see, and to think about. And this happened to him for a while, as he toured the US and eventually Europe with the guys who would later become "The Band". People would call him "Judas" and yell at him to get off the stage, or they would ask "whos side are you on?" or "where are the protest songs?"...And Bob would just shrug it off and say something like "this isnt British Music, its American Music"...and he would turn to the band behind him and say "Play fuckin loud". He loved every second of it. And in the interviews for the documentary he said "I dont think the boos had anything to do with what the people were hearing". Which I believe is true, because the music was great. People were just so upset about the ideology behind it. They felt Bob was bastardizing his brilliance. But he was merely just showcasing it in a new way...the way he wanted to, as an entertainer. Even the fellow musicians were upset about it. Pete Seeger (I believe from Peter, Paul and Mary) had to be subdued backstage at the Newport Folk Festival because he was going to cut the electrical chords. Thats how upset he was.

Dylan wrote some of the most important songs ever written. And what makes them so important is that most of them, if not all...can still be applied today. They dont mean the same thing as they did back then, but they continue to be passed down, cause they still have powerful meanings. He is by far the greatest, and most important songwriter who ever lived, and alls he wanted to do was be a song and dance man.

There goes the Neighborhood...

Well I just came from the premier of the much anticipated Star Wars Episode III, The Revenge of the Sith. First things first, I must warn all you readers that this post will contain information that you may not want to know if you havent already seen this. But then again, if you are looking forward to seeing this and dont already know what happens, then you are an idiot.

Second of all, I have to say this movie sucked.

Dont get me wrong, it wasnt nearly as bad as Episode I, or Episode II, but it made me lose all hope for Star Wars, and Darth Vader. This movie, in no way redeems the respect lost from Episode I and II. Not only that, but it destroys the fabric of Episodes IV, V, and VI cause I dont think I can ever look at the characters the same.

Let me break it down for you like this...George Lucas, as we already know, is the worst dialogue writer ever, but this was ridiculous. The one liners were ridiculous. Every time Anakin (Hayden Christianson) and Padme (Natalie Portman) were on the screen together I wanted to shove two pencils in my ears. Yet even without the loves scenes all the dialogue was undeveloped and so simple, you can guess whats going to happen in the rest of the saga without even knowing the stories that follow. Yoda really needs to work on his verbiage. I mean we all know that he speaks in broken sentences, but there were times when you couldnt decipher what he was saying cause his sentences came out like this "Trust in your apprentice misplaced must me be." What the fuck does that even mean. And this was a common occurence. Basically it was like a page by page childrens book with one sentence on each page, except the illustrations were done by some 3-D CG sci-fi nerd.

Moving on, I have decided that these movies shouldnt have been made after the original 3 were made in the late seventies, early eighties. It made George Lucas try too hard to tie everything together and to close everything up in this movie. Not in a subtle way, like when Obi-Wan picks up Anakins Light Sabre which he later gives to Luke in Episode IV, or like in the opening sequence when Anakin is flying what resembles the early stages of a TIE-fighter, but instead most things were just put out there in plain sentences a 2 year old could tie into the originals. Yoda saying goodbye to Chewbacca, the end discussion of what to do with the babies, Yoda talking about how he needs to go into exile, Obi-Wan mentioning how he will keep an eye on Luke in Tatooine, etc., etc...All this stuff is so obvious from seeing the movies, we certainly dont need it all explained to us. It is as if George is trying to close everything out in these three and leave everything resolved, but what he is forgetting is that there are still three more movies where all the questions are answered.

And on top of all of this, he has turned Darth Vader into a whiny bitch. Dont believe me, go see it...You will never look at Darth Vader the same again.

Overall this movie has destroyed any interest I had in the Star Wars saga. It was their last hope. Of course Episode IV, as we all know brings A New Hope. Maybe its time I visited the old classics.