Mr. Band

I never thought being in a situation where you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, and persuing the very thread of your own existence could be so stressful. I never thought it could wear on the mind as much as it has been for me.

For starters I have always wanted to be in a band, and somehow I have ended up not only a member of one, but also the frontman of one. And to add icing to the cake it is with a great bunch of guys that I consider to be friends above all else. As many positive sides that presents to this situation it still presents a lot of negatives as well. Especially when it comes down to overall ambition and goals as far as musically and whatnot.

I know that for the most part the band members consider this to be a hobby. It helps that they have told me that they will follow it through as far as it leads them. Which is definitely a plus. But I think that their devotion to other things makes it difficult for them to understand my overall ambition for this project and how important it is to me. I, of course, would never ask them to change a thing they are doing, or compromise their own life goals in anyway. I just worry sometimes that I might have to compromise my own. Which is something I am not prepared to do.

I always want it to be fun, and thats another plus, is that it is fun with this current bunch. I have a lot of fun when we are playing music, and even when we arent playing music. But I also take it very seriously. I am not saying that they dont, or anything along those lines, but it is something to think about - whether or not, in the long run, I will be starting over when they are ready to move on and stop chasing after the same dreams. Dreams that they sometime express as out of reach.

So at the same time that I am trying to be fair and focus on working together as a band, I sometimes do worry that I should be a little more greedy when it comes to taking creative control and getting my voice heard with the songs we play and record and whatnot. Because in the end, if the band wants to go their seperate ways, I am left holding whatever we managed to produce as my sort of 'resume', and it weighs on me the most and affects my eventual outcome as an artist and what type of level I will reach.

At the same time I dont want to push too many buttons and take the fun out of it for them, because then I will be back to square one now doing the solo acoustic thing after they kick me out of the band. Not too mention they have accepted me so well already, it is hard to even ask for more. I have become the majority songwriter and band leader, and pretty much decide what we play most of the time. So what more is there to ask for?

The hardest part is the potential that I see in this concoction of four dudes playing music. Together we take my songs and we make them undoubtedly rock. And it makes me realize that it is becoming more and more possible for myself to be successful in this business especially with these guys behind me. I wish I had the power to persuade them to become as dedicated as myself. I wish I could somehow know what the best decision to make was every second of every day, but isnt that what everyone wishes? And the reality of the matter is that it is always trial and error. We all make decisions, and they either lead to better things or worse things, and we all find out new things about ourselves along the way.

And for anyone who knows me, they understand this is completely out of character for myself. I have always been one to just fly by the seat of my pants and take life a moment at a time. I never think about changing the past, or spend time trying to figure out the future, and that is what is really stressing me out. Its not the band, or the work we put in week after week...In reality its the fact that I am actually setting goals for myself. I am actually reaching for something that I want - badly - badly enough to where I am worried that I wont achieve it. And quite frankly, I have to stop worrying and go back to understanding that if I work hard enough and keep trusting my instincts, everything will work out the way it is supposed to in the long run. And no I am not arguing fate, I am just saying that we all go through difficult times, and we all go through great times, and we all get confused and worried and stressed out, but the bottom line is that if we follow our hearts, and our instincts, everything will fall into place nicely and I will end up with a huge smile on my face.

I realize that was the lamest thing I have ever typed...I used the word 'hearts'.

I just want people to hear my songs.

The worst part is that it has only been a month...and I am already this antsy.